Sunday, February 28, 2010

Time for Honesty

I’m really not trying to use this as a platform for my complaining, but I want to keep it real here.  I don’t want anyone to look at me and think “she has it all together, why can’t I”.  I have looked at so many other people that wan and it only leads to me feeling worse. 

I don’t even want to show you this.  It’s not pretty.  It’s possible I will loose some friends. 

My house looks like this:

February 131

February 132

Actually, the pictures make it look better than it actually is.  I hope you didn’t all just un-friend me on facebook.  Please don’t call CPS.

I’m struggling.  Balancing everything is pushing me quickly towards insanity.  Working full time, taking care of a baby, a husband, a house, cooking, church responsibilities, QUIET TIME.  It’s not happening.  In fact, only 2 are happening- working full time and taking care of Cason…. but I wouldn’t say those are happening well.  I’m exhausted, constantly exhausted.  I’ve tried different schedules and different routines to try and balance it all.  Just when I’ve added in one additional thing- someone gets sick, or it snows, or something- and it throws everything into a downward spiral and we are back to takeout and a bedroom that looks like the smoke monster has visited. 

You know those spinning things on the playground?  I feel like I’m on one, and it’s moving a little too fast, and the world is zipping by too fast for me too see, and I wonder how much longer I can hold on.  Cason is almost a year old and I’m wondering “what happened to summer?  Did I miss Christmas?”  I see other working moms and they don’t look like they are clinging to a spinning playground toy.  Am I doing something wrong? 

I know- number one thing is to get your priorities in order.  That means God first.  Sounds easy enough.  I don’t even know what a quiet time is anymore.  When Cason goes to bed I work trying to get everything done that I couldn’t get done when he was awake, then I crash into bed hoping he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night so I won’t get any less sleep.  In the mornings Cason can hear my eyes open (seriously) and he’s up when I am, another missed quiet time opportunity.  Maybe when I first get to work?  Well, I’m so stressed about getting all my hours in so I don’t loose my insurance I don’t have time at work either. 

I’ve always had a lot going on.  I’m used to balancing a lot of things.  I’ve been busy since as long as I remember.  That was NOTHING compared to this. 

I could go on but I’m tired.  Was preparing to go to bed but baby is crying.  I hope this isn’t another long night.

I could use your prayers.  I’m overwhelmed… and tired… and so many other things. 

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9 comments:

Lexi said...

I so feel you right now! I will pray for you for sure :) I know at some point we will figure this all out!

Cruson Crew said...

Praying for you Catherine! I am so serious...I JUST took pictures of my ceiling fans, the closets, (I need to take one of my GUT)...and I was about to post "How I've let it all go this winter!" One thing parenting has taught me is (and you MUST learn this..) WE CAN'T DO IT ALL! Trust me...when I say your house looks like everyone elses!! I like to call it "lived in"! Hang in there! You are a fabulous mom who is putting your baby 1st, that's what it's all about! Relax and enjoy it, the mess will still be there, but he will soon be off to college! Love you!!

Kim said...

Please,please, please don't be so hard on yourself. That is Satan telling you big fat lies about your abilities. I worked full-time until Sarah was 3 and Katie 6 months and it was HARD! Let me tell you, it was still not easy when I quit work and stayed home with toddlers! Don calls our house "lived in" too and it's only since they are both in school that the house looks more organized, but there are days I want to scream at the mess. You are not alone, Satan just wants you to think you are. DO NOT let him win!!! I will pray for God to direct your steps and if you are to stay home more that HE will work that out. If he's not already doing so, please let Mike share the load. Don is a hands on dad and husband and really does help me stay sane. Tell your husband how you feel and let him help out.....you don't have to be superwoman. Love you and I think you are a great mom! Cason doesn't care what the house looks like.

amberdawn said...

Listen to all these other experienced Moms! That is what gets me through, listening to others share their experiences honestly! My house looks 10 times worse than yours by the way! Don't let Satan win my friend-I have to pray to God that He will give me time for a quiet time, or that He will SHOW me where the time is-it works! Love you and am praying for you-likewise, I need the same prayers! ha ha

Stephanie said...

I agree with these comments! Satan is feeding you lies. God is not condeming, he is loving. God is happy with you just talking to him on your way to work and while you are playing with Cason and while you are getting ready, etc... There will be plenty of time later in life to have a clean house! I think they should have a course for every pregnant women telling them that they are going to have to let go of control at there house when the baby is born until it is able to pick up it's own mess.

Cat said...

Thanks for the encouragement! The house being a wreck is just the tip of the iceberg. It's never been super tidy but now it's just crazy. The biggest problem is not being able to spend more time with my family. I feel like i'm missing Cason growing up becuase I'm never around. Not to mention helping Mike out at church. He's been great though, I think he's with Cason more than I am. Nothing can prepare you for this. :-)

DesignKat said...

My house looks like your house and I don't have kids...so what's my excuse?! I have grand visions of being organized too but it never quite happens the way I want it to in my head. I put extra pressure on myself because of our profession...I feel like we are supposed to have our act together but alas we are just like everyone else. So, who cares?! Enjoy the little things and don't sweat the rest of it. If you are still blue...call me and we will go to Starbucks. :)

Tricia said...

That's a tough one! Thanks for being honest. It is a struggle for me, too, and I'm not working full time! Can't wait to hear what you do about it.

Atlee's Mom said...

A tip from me, as soon as you get home and kick off your shoes, set the timer for 30 minutes and clean the whole time. It really helps me stay on top of things. I work full time and am a single Mama so I feel for you and the mess. I'm not a super clean gal either but I'm trying to be better since I got my house. Just do the 30 minutes and eventually you will be caught up and will be able to just maintain. I struggle with the quite time. My sister got me this amazing devotional book that just a page to read and a prayer. I know it's not as much as I would like to be doing but it's better than going to bed and waking up regretting I didn't even talk to God. Also, sometimes it's nice for me to ask my parents to watch my girl for a couple of hours on a Saturday just for me to play catch up. If you have family close that may be a option.

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